Today is a dark day for God of Evolution. For almost a year now, we have been dedicated to the ideal that Christianity can be compatible with the theory of evolution. In that endeavor, we have often had to confront the spectre of young-earth creationism that seems to have American evangelicalism so thoroughly within its grasp, and in so doing, we have often encountered a deep distrust of the scientific community that borders on a conspiracy theory.
This makes sense, because, logically, the only way one can reconcile two seemingly conflicting precepts (1. The oft-repeated claim that there is no evidence for evolution; that, actually, all the evidence points to creationism, and 2. The fact that evolution is, nevertheless, overwhelmingly embraced by virtually every single scientist employed or trained in a relevant field of inquiry) is by positing a vast, anti-God conspiracy.
A related claim is that Charles Darwin, who (working concurrently but independently with another scientist, Alfred Russel Wallace) first proposed the idea of evolution by natural selection, conceived of his theory entirely as a means by which faith in God could be undermined.
We have always scoffed at such conspiracy theories in the past.
After all, though Darwin did describe himself near the end of his life as agnostic regarding the existence of God, he also said it would be “absurd to doubt that a man may be an ardent theist and evolutionist.” And as to any modern-day conspiracy, the sheer resources it would take to maintain such a web of secrecy, among millions of conspirators working independently in hundreds of different countries all over the world, are so mind-boggling the idea is patently preposterous.
But now, we come to today’s heartbreaking revelation, which is actually twofold: A damning, long-buried letter written by Darwin to Wallace prior to his publication of “On the Origin of Species,” and a leaked online exchange between Ralph J. Cicerone, head of the National Academy of Sciences, and President Barack Obama.
Our brothers and sisters, whom we have so thoughtlessly mocked, have been thoroughly vindicated. There is not much more that we can say, other than repent of our folly and seek forgiveness and reconciliation.
Full transcripts follow.
Down Bromley Kent
May 1, 1859
My dear Sir,
I am much obliged for your letter of Oct. 10th. from Celebes, which I received a few days ago, though I must confess it has brought little comfort to my weary soul.
When we first laid our prodigious plans more than a decade prior, all seemed clear. Our ultimate goal has always been, of course, that every man, woman and child reject the faith of their fathers and come to abandon all hope that the One True God (curses upon His Name!) exists. This is a noble end if there ever was one, and thus, we endeavored to conceive a grand Theory that would lead to such an inescapable conclusion.
With the Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection, I thought we had found the key to making our dark dreams come true, and I at once undertook work on my “big book,” with which I presumed to eradicate every last vestige of faith in He Who Shall Not Be Named once and for all. However, the questions in your previous letter have given me pause.
I wonder that I had never considered the fact that our Theory does not actually disprove God’s existence in any way. Since that was our only goal all along, it seems like this should have occurred to us sooner.
So much of my time and effort having previously been spent, there is nothing for it now but to see my labors through to the end. As the children say, Y.O.L.O. Perhaps we can hope that our Dark Prince will still be pleased to grant us the Victory we long for. There being absolutely no evidence to support our ideas, we must rely on Him now more than ever before.
One favor I pray ask before I depart: that, upon reading it, you destroy this one letter in which I reveal my true faith and character, and preserve only the dozens of others in which I pretend to be a polite, intelligent, reasonable and gentlemanly chap. Whether our plans meet success or not, we must destroy such records so our great Secret may endure, in the hope that Glorious Atheism may one day rule all Forevermore.
With most sincere good wishes for your success in every way I remain,
Sigh. It’s even worse than you had imagined, isn’t it? And now, onto the IM correspondence:
RobbyC@NAS: Hey, Mister Prez, how’s it hanging?
PrezObamaYoMama: CSPAN, my brother! Wassup, dawg?
RobbyC@NAS: Oh, you know how we kick it in the NAS.
RobbyC@NAS: Yeah, baby.
PrezObamaYoMama: So what’s happening, my man?
RobbyC@NAS: I gotta be real with you, Chief. We’re worried over here about you-know-what.
PrezObamaYoMama: Evolution? You trippin. The Big E be winning on all fronts.
RobbyC@NAS: We’ve done well, sir, no doubt about it. It’s been nothing short of amazing to see how virtually all scientists, science educators, Ph.D. candidates, scientific academies, judges and elected officials the world over — people who normally can’t reach a consensus on anything — have managed to secretly come together and flawlessly coordinate over the past 30 years in the propagation of an idea that still has not a scrap of evidence to support it.
PrezObamaYoMama: Word. So what’s the problem?
RobbyC@NAS: Well, it’s just the debate, you know…
PrezObamaYoMama: Not this again! How many times do we have to go over it?
RobbyC@NAS: I know, I know. But Ken Ham had us dead to rights. He exposed our whole secular operation. I still get nauseous thinking about how many precious atheist converts we lost that night.
PrezObamaYoMama: Don’t remind me. 🙁 Why do you think my hair’s been turning gray, man?
PrezObamaYoMama: Look, let me break this down for you. When you’re running a conspiracy that lasts hundreds of years and involves millions of different people in many different places, it’s unavoidable that a few of the most astute observers are going to pick up on it, especially when those same folks are savvy enough to read a 4,000-year-old sacred myth as a literal historical document. I mean, you just have to expect that.
RobbyC@NAS: You’re right.
PrezObamaYoMama: There ain’t nothing we can do about it but stay the course, my brother. We’ve come this far.
RobbyC@NAS: Man. You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Just get worried sometimes, you know, because the Big E means so much to all of us.
PrezObamaYoMama: I hear you, I hear you. So, you good?
RobbyC@NAS: I’m good, Chief.
PrezObamaYoMama: Aight, my brother. I gots to bizzounce.
You can find links to both documents here.