Evidently, it wasn’t enough for Ham to be mocked by millions of people, Christians and non-affiliated alike, for, well, sounding a teensy bit like a mental patient who stopped taking his meds because the purple butterflies who live in his brain said it was hurting them.
So, last week, he upped the ante with this little number.
If you clicked over (which, of course you did because — be honest — you agree the infernal machinations of this guy’s brain are as morbidly fascinating as an actual car wreck), then you know the title of Hambone’s latest post is, “Who are the real ‘aliens’?”
I’m sure you can’t wait to have the great man answer that question, so let’s dive right in.
You don’t have to spend hundreds of millions of dollars, as NASA and others are doing, to try to meet a (non-existent) alien. You can meet one at the Creation Museum!
Sounds delightful! And here it is.
As you can see, he’s basically a rip-off of Mike from “Monsters Inc.,” except he has more of a torso and tentacles instead of arms.
Oh, also he (and he is a he. Obviously.) has what appears to be a three-foot-long sex organ sticking out of the base of his skull, for reasons I cannot begin to understand.
… So there’s that.
Now that we’ve, again, established Ken Ham’s decidedly un-family friendly obsession with certain, er, things, let’s continue with his post.
Yes, the alien at the Creation Museum is a fictional one—and we make that very clear—yet we use this made-up alien to explain the gospel to the real “aliens”! Let me explain.
Phew! Hambone assures us that the alien character above, which looks like something from the fevered dream of a Japanese X-rated manga artist and Pixar super-fan, is fictional. That’s a relief.
But, what’s this?! He tells us there are “real ‘aliens.'” How could that be? I know you can barely contain your curiosity, so let’s read on.
Visitors to the Creation Museum will learn why there may be water on other planets, but there can’t be intelligent beings because of the meaning of the gospel. You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe.
You know, now that he mentions it, I’m pretty sure 2 Chronicles has a reference to Adam’s transgression wreaking havoc on the peace-loving space pandas of the planet Kerfloc in Centaurus A.
This means that any supposed aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin. But because the supposed beings are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.
Can’t get any fairer than that! … I mean, not without becoming slightly acquainted with even the most rudimentary concept of fairness.
What a great gospel presentation, eh, gang? “God is a cruel and unjust monster, who punishes every living thing for something one human did, and then only allows humans to escape that punishment! Sounds super-cool, right? So, you want to join our club?? We have a Triceratops you can ride!”
Sigh. Here’s more:
Jesus did not become the “God-Klingon” or the “God-Martian,” as only descendants of Adam can be saved. … To suggest that aliens could respond to the gospel is wrong.
Yeah, yeah, we already know all this, Hambone: There are no aliens, and who cares because they’re just demon-bait and hellfire fuel anyway. But when is he going to tell us about the real aliens?
Ah, here we are:
Now, I’m not contradicting myself when I write the following, but I actually do believe in aliens!
Of course not — Ham would never contradict himself.
In fact, Christians were once “aliens.” God’s Word states, “So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God.” (Ephesians 2:19) Once people become Christians, they are no longer “aliens” or foreigners in this world—they are citizens of heaven!
Oooooohhhhhhhh! I get it now! So, when Ham said “alien,” he didn’t mean “a creature from another planet,” which is the sense in which he meant the word every other time he has used it on his website.
Rather, he meant, “a (human) resident born in or belonging to another country,” a meaning not used all that often in popular writing, presumably out of fear that people think you’re talking about a Ridley Scott film.
Kind of like when I say, “Well that’s really dumb,” I don’t mean “dumb” in the sense that it’s incredibly stupid. I mean the archaic definition of “lacking the power of speech,” because the (click-) bait-and-switch technique Ham uses here is not physically capable of articulating itself by means of sounds and words.
But Hambone does go on to explain his full meaning. Schlongo the Alien (“Fictional alien. We-we did say it was fictional, right? Because it is. Fictional.”) is all about sharing the gospel with non-Christians. Because we know if there’s one thing Ham’s temple to reality denialism is full of, it’s non-Christians.
And because no gospel presentation would be complete without being personally assured by smug non-astronomers about what does (and most certainly does not!) exist in the unimaginable vastness of space.